As I was standing this morning in the train, I looked at my unclear reflection of myself on the glass window. I looked haggard,down, and somewhat out of my mind: a situation I have not had been into for several months. It is this peculiar feeling that keeps on following me ever since. A feeling wherein when you are very very much happy in a certain situation, will be replaced by this feeling afterward. I had not been into walking like crazy again in the streets of Metro, staring on a far away location without actually staring a thing. Temporarily, it was as if the “jolly” me had disappeared. The person who tried to share his laughs, somehow tries to hide himself from an ambiguous instance of something. His happy and sunny face somewhat is now replaced by a lonely being trapped in an empty bottle.
While the train was moving towards a tunnel from MRT-Ayala to MRT-Buendia, I saw myself, my body being taken over by a symbiote that once engulfed the being of Peter Parker. Peter became moody, and the happiness on his face had gone. He tried to concentrate something, something not his own cup. But then, he was pulled back again on what he really was. Back to himself.
I try to hide myself now from something I hate to feel. I try to detach myself on an entity that I have cared for and loved ever since I felt love on that entity. I felt I have just been a stubborn fool. I have plans on that entity, plans that are related to responsibilities and duties. Plans that also is related to a future career. But then, as I asses myself and the situations, I think I am not in the position to plan for that entity.
Again, crazy thoughts pop up from my mind. You may not be able to comprehend the idea behind this writeup. I long to see the beauty of this entity at its fullness, but then, I think, I may not the one to see it. Maybe somebody else. Maybe someone else. Maybe not me.
Maybe I am just dreaming that I could be together with that something in the future. Maybe I am just trying to surround myself with dreams. Dreams that are not bound to come into existence. Dreams that are not meant to come true.
These are all feelings. I maybe wrong. I maybe right. Thanks.
I have had a bunch of disappointments in life. I sometimes feel discouraged on some matters. When these situations happen, my mind is out of my body. I do accept things as they were. But some things are hard to accept….it takes time to accept. It takes time to heal. The pain in ones wound will not disappear right away. It needs time to rejuvenate the cells that were damaged on that particular tissue. So does every pain wherever you feel it. Pain in the head, pain in the body and of course pain in the heart. Things as they are, happen as they are. These things are commanded by a stronger force, the reason of their behaving in that way.
Pain. I will one day discover how to kill pain: permanently. I shall device a method, a procedure, or an algorithm on how to handle such a thing. Pain. Constantly present in my every corner of my being. The force that guides me to what I am per se will one day consume this pain that I feel. Sometimes, I wanna be numb. Hallow. Nothing to feel, no ability to feel.
If someone out there has a pain reliever, a thing that kiss away pain permanently…..I beg you to share some of it to me. Thanks for having your time here. I know I consumed your time reading such a mess as this….just sharing something I want to let out…..By for now. I need to rest. I have been tired….ever since. And this tiredness might be one causes of the pains I feel. Tchau.